Navigating Grief in the Season of Cheer

By Emma Willcox, Kraus-Anderson Insurance Account Executive

Disclaimer: I am writing this as a cis woman who was raised in a Christian household where we celebrated Christmas. My experience does not reflect the experiences of others. Everyone experiences grief differently.

It seems like once the calendar flips from September to October, the holiday season begins. Winter wraps her arms around us, twinkling lights pop up on houses, and store displays are in full force. Cheerful signs, repetitive music, green and red decor, and the sudden urge to be holly-jolly bombard us from all around as we are reminded that the holiday season is quickly approaching. It is a time to celebrate—connect with colleagues, friends, and most importantly, family.

Season of Complexity

For some, like me, the holiday season is complex. It is hard to find joy in these times because it feels like a piece is missing. For some, the holiday season brings joyous emotions riddled with guilt, loss, and mourning. A happy smile is paired with a pit in your stomach, the absent feeling of someone or something lingering in your chest. Waves of grief can quickly eclipse your holiday spirit when moments ago, you were the happiest person in the room.

Eight years ago, after a long battle with a brain tumor and bouncing in and out of transition care facilities, I lost my mom to cardiac arrest. In January of 2022, right after the holiday season had wrapped up, I lost my brother. Suddenly, my family of four had become just my dad and me. The year following each loss — the changing seasons and the experiencing of milestones without each of them for the first time — was the hardest. Throughout the spring, summer, and fall, grief would knock at my door and remind me that an ache was still there. Then the leaves turned, and the rush of the holiday season was brought in like a whirlwind of tinsel, song, and lights— carrying the intention of happiness and joy. Grief was pounding at the door and when I answered, a tidal wave of emotions flooded into the room. I was surrounded by celebration and cheer, but I was drenched in sorrow and memories, trying my best to act normal.

Holiday Memories

I remember waking up early on Christmas mornings with my brother; we were allowed to open our stockings before everyone else woke up. We would eat the little chocolates and the oranges that Santa had brought us, and we would shake the presents under the tree, patiently waiting until 5:00 AM to wake Mom and Dad. Mom made breakfast and after the family ate, we would start to open presents. These moments are filled with smiles, laughter, and joy. Even as we aged into adulthood, Mom continued to make Christmas as special as she could, which even included pulling a tree out of the dumpster from the store parking lot on Christmas Eve because we realized late that afternoon that we had not set up a tree yet.

Christmas morning always seemed so magical and the year after Mom passed away, it became evident who created the magic. It was her. After her death, it didn’t feel the same. The mystery and wonder lessened. While the holiday magic slowly dissipates as many grow older, the first Christmas after her passing, it felt like the magic was sucked out of the house by a vacuum. I was mourning the loss of someone important to me, but I was also mourning her role in the traditions we built as a family.

Holidays Look Different For Everyone

Eight years later and three years later, the grief still comes in waves. Even in my happiest moments, squalls of sadness can blow me off course. Grief also appears in small ways, gently lapping at the shores of my day. The holidays tend to bring in the storm at full force, but I surround myself with people who understand that holidays are not always easy and acknowledge that all feelings are okay. I do not always need to shelter myself from the emotions I feel surrounding loss, especially when the individuals I lost were who made the holiday season special to me.

The holidays can be good, bittersweet, bad, or complicated. For those of us who are navigating grief during this season, give yourself some grace and allow yourself space to feel the complicated emotions. Be open if you are struggling, and remember that you are never alone in your experience.